I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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