Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
