my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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