I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
