Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
