speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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