im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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