dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
