I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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