Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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