I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
