i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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