nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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