I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
