Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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