you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
