You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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