Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
