Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
