i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
