I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
