I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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