I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
