Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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