Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
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I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
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She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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