so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
