so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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