come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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