I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was born a porn star she said
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
