my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
