Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
