I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
