She is in my trunk
I've blown a few things in my day
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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