LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
