Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
