I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
