sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
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We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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