We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
