you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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