4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
