M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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