Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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