These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
