beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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