the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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