maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
