we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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