You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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