The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
