You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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