i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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