she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
