yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
