I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
