She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
