At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.