Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid